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A girl...    
07:07pm 25/09/2017
  A girl has fallen into my life. A girl so beautiful that colors fade and dull in contrast. A girl so kind, so full of love, and with a spirit made of fire, passion, and and the best parts that make us human. A girl that has been lost, hurt, and not seen for how special she truly is. A girl that makes me redefine and rediscover things in myself that I thought were dead. A girl so powerful that she doesn't understand the intensity of the spark she quietly carries.

A girl has fallen into my life and shown me the direction I want to go. We are seperated by forests, mountains, and vast green fields. I would flood the world and sail to her by ship of it meant that I could see the universe reflected in her eyes. To hold her close, guard her spark, and understand what every poet has poured their heart into ink for. I would bang my head on the fault lines to close the distance of our eyes.

She is the myth I have always believed in, but lost hope of finding. She is worth all the pain and rejection and loss that I have encountered.

A girl makes me believe the world can be a beautiful place.
 
      do you have a reflection?
 
   
02:51am 25/12/2015
 
mood: lonely
I doubt you'll ever read this. But this is to you...or for me...I can't tell anymore.

Christmas Morning 2:05am 2015

I'm in emotional knots, I don't know what to think or feel, but the tears keep coming. I want to feel different, I want to feel happy; but honestly, I'd rather feel anything than the sadness I feel now... I miss you...

I haven't known you long, but the first two weeks were magic. I allowed myself to believe that the world really could be a good place, that good things happen to people who deserve it, that for once I wasn't the only person feeling the importance of each passing moment. Each moment sang a golden tune and we gave each other a smile with future in it; but I am stupid. I'm probably stupid for thinking that, and that I allowed myself to be vulnerable in that ways that I shouldn't. I've betrayed myself and shed my skin to allow the type of wounds that I can't take anymore, not for a while anyway. I like you. I know I like you more than I should...that is terrifying...

You just told me tonight that you had sex in the back of some dude's car. I don't even care that you had sex, we aren't in a relationship and you are free to do that. The thought though. The curse of an artist's mind is a curse that is profound and hard to ignore. I keep seeing you, in the back seat, on top of Michael, foggy windows, and moments of pleasure, sounds, and intimate conversation...I don't even care that you had sex, but seeing it over and over again in my head is not the way I wanted to spend the night. The part that hurts is that the night that happened we were supposed to do something...you decided to do something else instead...and since then you stopped talking to me...

You used to call on your breaks, you used to text, we would laugh and explore strange moments together. You have gone dark, but you are always on my mind. You don't call you don't text and I'm left with thoughts of what I did wrong. Of how I fucked up. Of how being happy is not something that the universe will allow. I've said before that the only reason I exist is to hurt, to hurt in ways people have forgotten how. I hurt now, I've been hurting since you shut me out, but it is pain that I brought on myself.

Everyone stops talking and fades away. Every love I've had in my life ends the same way, not with a scream, or a conversation, but with silence. They stop talking to me and slowly start to vanish. What is it about me that makes people close their life to me and fade into the background? This position is so familiar... The only time I could get you to agree to see me is when I had a present for you. In your absence I've spoken to other women, but none of them are the person I want to talk to; I want to talk to you.

I don't know where we are, or where we are going, but I miss you. I miss you so much that I hate myself. I can't keep myself away from me. I put myself in these situations only to be forgotten.

Will you even talk to me tomorrow? I don't know. But I don't want to tell you how much being shut out hurts. I don't want you to talk to me or see me because you don't want me to be sad. I want you to talk to me and spend time with me because you want to. I don't know if you want that anymore. Not knowing hurts. Hope hurts. It all conspires to dare me to dream...I can't afford those dreams because when they turn silent I don't have the blood left to pay for them; not anymore.

You once told me not to let you run. That you tend to run when magical things happen. I don't want you to run, but I don't know how to keep you. I can't make you like me, I can't make you want to talk, and laugh, and text, and spend time. I can't snap you up in a butterfly net or play cat and mouse. I'm too broken to play those sort of games. I want you in my arms, but more than that I want you to want to be in my arms.

I have a hope. I have a hope that I will wake up on Christmas Day and the deafening distance and silent echoes will be replaced with the magic that I know is there. I hope tomorrow doesn't hurt.
 
      do you have a reflection?
 
I need you to recover...   
04:14am 14/07/2013
  I'm not sure if anyone reads this anymore. In all honesty, I don't care...but if you do, thanks--I suppose.

Occasionally and randomly as if compelled by a possessing spirit I find myself back here. It is strange coming hear. It is frozen moments. Echos lost to the void. I read the words I've written and I don't recognize the echo that formed the syllables. I am not the person I was; but are any of use really ever who we were?

The moments that I come back here I am often surprised by a lone anonymous comment that was was thrown into the void months or years ago. A reflection of a person thanking me for writing something. I don't pretend to think that something I wrote helped someone in some way shape or form, hell, it might have made things worse. All the same, those echos are there and offer a reflection of someone. That is so weird to me. But I can understand. There were times in my depression that I would type fragments of thoughts only half explored into Google and find a rantings and ravings of someone's echo that made sense to me, it helped, and hurt.

I find myself here now just like I have 562 times in the past, with a good song, trying to tame the wild inner monologue that accompanies my adventures into something tangible and digestible. However, it is very different. I'm not depressed, I'm not sad, I'm not heartbroken, lost, scared, or even drunk. I'm content. I'm happy with my life. This is something that I'm still not used to, even though I've been riding the 'happy boat' for a number of years now. Without those demons tearing at my flesh I seem to be at a loss for words...

This was always something I did for me. It was something to pour my negativity into. It was a coping skill. I would vomit my the internal feelings into this white box and feel better, at least for a short time. This pissed some people off of course. I've been unfriended and unwatched along with comments like
"What is wrong with you?"
It is to those people that I would raise a glass and give a hearty fuck you. This has always been for me.

For me...

It is that thought that has me at the moment. I couldn't make it, on my own or on the path that I was on. Perhaps that was for me on a completely different level. Reading these ancient echos I can feel myself yelling at me,
"Please, get better."

Well, I have. Maybe we all need to talk to ourselves a little more.

I need you to recover because I can't make it on my own.
 
      1 reflection -  do you have a reflection?
 
Dear Journal   
03:24am 14/07/2013
  Life is good. I haven't forgotten about you. I just need you less. I don't need these pages as an outlet for my negative emotions...because...I'm happy.  
      1 reflection -  do you have a reflection?
 
   
02:42am 04/06/2010
 
mood: sad
Between the winding moments of our lives we meet certain moments. Moments we treat with the accord that we have been conditioned to, conditioned by ourselves, or others, or even by routine. The moments drive us and rule over us. They dictate our actions. Actions feed actions. Actions feed responses.

Between the winding moments of our responses we often lose sight. Blinded by conditioning we lose the connections we have with the people around us. We respond to the action and not the person.

Someone died today. Someone that I am not allowed to speak about due to HIPPA laws that cloud my workplace like a great grey beast that threatens to consume those who would like to vent. Regardless, I digress.

Between the moments and mechanizations of being called to an emergency and speeding down the road we often think, "What was my last moment with (name removed) like?"
"Did I chew his ass for something?" "Was it a good day?" "Did I see him smile?"
It was a great last moment. It was a moment I was proud of.

Every moment can be a last moment. A moment that will resonate and vibrate with the actions of the moment. Make every moment a good one. And never let your actions be dictated by anything but love, compassion, understanding, and the willingness to help and better the life and lives of the people you care for.
 
      1 reflection -  do you have a reflection?
 
   
01:41am 06/02/2010
  If I could cut out the part of me that craves the connections, I would. Life would be easier and happier without it.  
      1 reflection -  do you have a reflection?
 
Fear accompanies the possibility of death, calm shepherds its certainty...   
02:03am 03/02/2010
 
mood: Brave
Fear is something that resides within us all. Fear keeps us alive. Fear keeps us from following dangerous paths and keeps us from doing things that hurt us.

Fear is evolution. Fear kept the backwards people that we were from being eaten by lions. Fear kept us out of the storms. Fear ensured that we would continue our lives.

Fear is something that I have been thrust headlong into in the recent weeks. Fear of feelings and pain and the unrequited. In my life I have seen the pain of feelings and the unrequited. It is in the past weeks that this fear has been screaming to me of that danger or pain that may lurk down the path I've been treading...

Funny thing about fear is that if you listen to it all the time you can miss things--profound, magical, wonderful, and amazing things. Am I listening to my fear? No. Do I still feel it tingling in the back of my psyche? Yes. BUT I know to listen to that fear assures that nothing wonderful will happen. I am meeting my fear head on. Grit those teeth, some things are worth screaming, and kicking, and fighting for.

A girl...A girl is facing her fears. She is pushing herself. She is following the dangerous paths of her fears almost everyday. She does it with a smile on her face and a song in heart. She is brave and wise; and she inspires me to face my own fears. I will face my fear with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. More people should be like her. I want to be more like her.
 
      3 reflections -  do you have a reflection?
 
Lost in translation...   
12:51am 17/12/2009
 
mood: lonely
These moments of bliss are so rare and precious. These moments are not mine. They never will be...

I feel broken, alien, different. In the past number of days I've seen wonderful, amazing women taken for granted, forgotten about, verbally spat upon, cheated on, and misunderstood. These things baffle me, and cause me confusion, frustration, and anger. These moments make me ashamed of my friends and ashamed of the world.

I feel strange, foreign, and lost in translation. In the past number of days I've seen wonderful, amazing women in love with people that don't deserve them. These things baffle me, and cause me loneliness, sadness, and lament. These moments make me question the minds of women and make me ashamed of the world.

I feel like I don't fit. I feel like my life is a child's toy. A toy with various shaped blocks and a large plastic box with holes corresponding in shape. In this field of blocks and plastic I am the only heart shaped block--and with no hole that matches, I desperately pound the fragile plastic trying to fit my heart shaped block into a square, or a hexagon.

In the land of hopeless romantics I am their king; and I wear the crown with sullen love.
 
      do you have a reflection?
 
Her   
05:18am 28/09/2009
 
mood: rejuvenated
Her. The power of her. The memory of her. The strength of love. The strength of love past.

I find it easy to think about her. Her thought overwhelms all emotions; all pain, all loss. A love that I know I can't have, but I've accepted that. I'm okay with that. I find calmness in my love for her. It is such a profound love that I am blissfully happy that I can just experience something that strong.

A love unique to all others;a past life, a cellular memory, a singularity, a rib. It is some something wholly special. Wrapped within the warmth and once again basking in what I locked away in vaults of iron and bone; I feel it's warmth and welcome it's constant vibration. In this vibration I can center myself and fight off the demons that haunt me. Her memory gives me the strength and courage to meet what I must do.

There is the pain of hope to concern myself with, however, I am me and she is. Regardless, she will always be special.

Plan A: Transfer to Russellville.

Plan B: Do a shit ton of art.
 
      do you have a reflection?
 
   
06:40am 27/09/2009
  Somewhere between now and my last post my world has turned to shit. It seems I'm incapable of separating sex and emotion. I guess I'm just not wired that way. I fell for my fuck-buddy, and I fell hard. The strange thing is, I can't even tell you why or how. It has to be sex thing, best blow-job ever.

Anyway, my fuck-buddy, the girl I fell for is now in love with who used to be one of my best friends. AND...this friend happens to be a lesbian. Fucked up, huh? Now heart break I can deal with. I've become somewhat of an expert on the subject. If they had belts for that sort of thing I would no doubt have a very, very black one, and likely reside in a temple. But I digress. I should be able to handle this, but due to the massive amount of bullshit I've been dealing with, roommate issues, my job at the fruit loop factory, etc; my armor is thin and it hit me hard.

Did I mention I work with both of these people? Oh yeah! I don't think I have what it takes to see them together everyday at work. This has led me to the conclusion that I must leave. Things have to fall into place or I have to get out. Things show no signs of falling into place. Where am I going? I don't know. I'm on a roller coaster and I find my mind and intentions are changing frequently.

I've never seen someone come into a social circle and cause so much damage to so many people in such a short amount of time. She walked into my life with a bomb put it in my lap and blew me/us the fuck up. My friend calls her "a wrecking ball with tits". Is it all others faults? No. Some of it is mine, hell a lot of it is mine--but I just can't be asked to take another bullet for someone else's happiness, not again, not now.

And fuck Spitler and Holly for being right. They both told me what would happen and I didn't listen. Pleasures of the flesh is a hard thing to ignore though.

It's not the sex that I miss though. It's the little things: the touches, the glances, the idiosyncratic things we do without thinking, the way the rain rolls down her face, and the her eyes sparkle when she cries. It's the little things that kill.

Everyone keeps telling me that I'll find someone. While I enjoy the sentiment, I grow tired of hearing it. I've heard it all my life and it never works out. I'm growing tired and cynical. I've reached my breaking point of bullshit and I've hit bottom.

I think the worst part is that she keeps comparing me to other guys. The guys that have treated her like shit. I'm not them and she doesn't seem to understand that. I'm unlike anyone she's ever met. I'm likely unlike anyone any of you have ever met. She has me wrong. So wrong that to hear those words of comparison causes me great pain...

I have to take a positive step in my life and I don't think I can do it here.
 
      do you have a reflection?
 
   
09:57pm 08/09/2009
 
mood: content
Body-Friends: Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment. A relationship, that mimics a real partnership but is void or greatly lacking jealousy and other such emotions that come with a serious relationship.

It is interesting exactly how interesting my life has been lately. I think I'm pretty happy at the moment--this seems to lead to not knowing what to write. This place has so many times been a way for me to vent. A coping skill to purge negative emotions. With the exception of a few hiccups here and there. Things are good and getting better.
 
      do you have a reflection?
 
For the warm bodied...   
06:48am 05/09/2009
  1. Your Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favourite Film:
5. Favourite Song or Album:
6. Favourite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favourite memory of us?
14. What is your favourite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favourite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?
 
      do you have a reflection?
 
6:17am 68 degrees and partly cloudy...   
06:29am 05/09/2009
 
mood: lonely
These looks. These glances. These touches. These are welcomed distractions from the ruin and poison I see. They are distractions from pain and disgust. In these distractions I feel free because for a single moment I am able to be me; away from the distractions of ruin, poison, pain and disgust.

Which is 10 reasons why I need her. Not the present her. Not the distraction--her...

The ghost her. The myth her. The her that that is a contrast to all I see. The her who I have to believe in.

These moments are nice, so are these touches, but it isn't what I want.

Today's weather is introspective and lonely with a 100% chance of thoughts of lost loves.
 
      2 reflections -  do you have a reflection?
 
   
04:52am 12/08/2009
 
mood: high
So it has been almost a year between my last two posts. The summer of hell is over and I find myself still shaking off the sting of old pain with familiar faces. I'm not sure where this post is going; but I felt a powerful need to write.

I'm now a Supervisor at the Mental Health Facility I work at. I have been for a long time actually. I have a number of staff most of them are stable enough, good workers too.

I have been starving myself of art. I'm not sure if this is deliberate or that I'm just lazy. I have thousands of ideas everyday; some of them good--but all of them neglected.

The funny thing about plans and intentions is that intentions change, where as for the most part a plan is concrete. Sure it can be changed, but it is still a plan.

I need to get out.
 
      2 reflections -  do you have a reflection?
 
It's been a while...   
02:31am 11/08/2009
  Been a while, hasn't it my dear journal. Well, things are good. I'm living with a friend that was once lost to the sea. We teeter on the precipice of chaos as our humble abode shrinks and swells with ideas, friends, World of Warcraft, and a large collection of trash.

My cat is profoundly happy to be away from the other cats that cramped her style. Now she is alone, Queen of the apartment, and her people.

Work is as interesting as usual. Though working at a mental health facility is always interesting.

I plan to try to update more--but for now, some WoW is in order.
 
      do you have a reflection?
 
Amputee's Sacrifice...   
04:03am 05/08/2008
 
mood: blank
women want to be attractive
they tease and they taunt
then they punish you for being attracted

they play painful games
uncaring games

they poke and prod until they are showered with compliments
they lure and lead you to the edge by your heart
they lure and lead you with empty affections
they lure and lead you by giving you shallow hope and allowing you to dream

then they push you off the precipice and watch as you fall
and if their games did relent it would not be because they cared

once again i find myself stoking the fires
i feed these fires and fuel the flames by burning my dreams
i stoke these fires and incinerate the part of me that loves

the heat from this fire burns
these burns blister and mark
these burns dont hurt as much as their games

and once again i kill a part of myself in order to keep moving
i pull the immolated love from my heart and strangle it until it is nothing
 
      1 reflection -  do you have a reflection?
 
and i am the rainking...   
11:42pm 03/08/2008
 
mood: crying
and that is how our story ends; not with a bang, a thump, or a cheer; but with a whimper...
and the world will never be the same size again
 
      do you have a reflection?
 
Writer's Block: Becoming a TV Character   
04:30pm 16/07/2008
 
If you could be any character from any TV show, who would you be and why?


John Crichton from Farscape. Adventure, true love, and good friends--that sounds wonderful.
 
      do you have a reflection?
 
this shell...   
01:52pm 14/07/2008
 
mood: blank
This shell is cold, hard, and strong.

This shell is made of blood, rust, and bone.

This shell is indestructible, unbreakable, and safe from the outside world.

This shell only hurts from the inside--and that, I can deal with.
 
      2 reflections -  do you have a reflection?
 
   
10:48am 14/07/2008
 
mood: crushed
I said; 'I love you'.

and she laughed.


never again
 
      2 reflections -  do you have a reflection?